The Heart: The First Anarchist

I used to have a huge, huge crush on one of my supervisors when I worked at this retail store. I mean, got nervous whenever he would come around. He was tall(er), cute, and so very, very nice. He was just a lovely man. He was one of those guys everyone would go to for help. If he didn’t have the answer, he would help you get one. He was in every sense, the man of my dreams.

He was also very married.

With kids.

Here’s the worse part, I knew all of this when I met him. And for a few months I didn’t think anything of him. I thought he was a cool guy. I definitely respected him as not just my manager, but as a man. He was good at work; his family loved him; all of that.

All of a sudden, I start liking this guy for no apparent reason. I don’t remember what it was; he may have said something in some kind of way that was sweet or something, I don’t know. But when it hit me, I was confused. How could I just develop feeling for someone who A: is unavailable, and B: I wasn’t interested in yesterday? It was ridiculous.

It also caused quite a problem in my internal life. My brain and my heart had to fight. It was like the North vs. the South. It was like East vs West. It was like Black…well, you get the idea. I’m trying to get all of my emotions to understand, this is never going to happen. “What are you doing, Heart? You know this man is married and even if he wasn’t, he’s your boss. Nothing can happen unless one of you quits and where are you going to find another job? Do you really want to go through an interview process all over again?”

Meanwhile, “I don’t care. I love him.”

“I don’t understand you.”

Really though, what is the point of having feelings for someone you can never have. And even if you had that person, it still wouldn’t work out? What is the point of that? What kind of life is this?

I came to question everything I believe in. Here I am getting all bothered being around a guy whose number I will never have a reason to know, someone whose address will never be known to me. I’ll never what he’s like sick? What it’s like to watch him go through morning rituals. None of that.

And more importantly, someone who will never even wonder about this stuff with regards to me. I’m just another low-level peon he forgets about when he goes home to the people he really loves.

It’s a sad, sad life, liking someone who doesn’t like you. Sad.

In the end, I did what all sensible women do in that situation. I transferred my job and moved out of state. There’s really no other solution for that. Thing is, there will never be another guy in existence while you’re around the guy you really want, whether you can have him or not. But once that tie is severed, you notice there are other men out there you might be interested that you never noticed before.

Funny how that works.


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